GOLDEN VALLEY, MN — Hours after celebrity chef and TV asshole Gordon Ramsey lashed out against critique of his new “authentic Asian” restaurant, Lucky Cat, spokespersons for General Mills, Inc. announced the complete “Asian” overhaul of its cereal brand, Lucky Charms.
Previously an Irish-themed cereal touted by green-clad mascot, Lucky the Leprechaun, Lucky Charms will rebrand as an “authentic Asian cereal.” The consumer foods conglomerate was inspired by the recent spate of “Lucky”-named Asian restaurants opened by chefs who are not Asian, such as Andrew Zimmern (Lucky Cricket), Ramsey (Lucky Cat), and Arielle Haspel (Lucky Lee’s), the last of whom is also not a chef.
Similar to Ramsey’s £3.8 million losses in his previous restaurant, Maze, Lucky Charms has suffered recent revenue decline, which it hopes to recoup with this trendy marketing strategy. “It makes absolute sense. It’s already in our name,” said PR representative Susan McBlandface.
To convey a truly authentic Asian experience with the boxed cereal, designers spent upward of six hours in Google Image searches and interviews of white men whose wives are Asian to become China, Japan, and Those-Other-Asian-Countries experts. Based on their extensive research, the new and improved Lucky Charms will have the following changes:
- marshmallow hearts, moons, stars, and clovers will be replaced with marshmallow cats, crickets, lees (we have no idea what the fuck that is either), and the traditional Asian Pikachu.
- The box background will change from Emerald green, representing the luck of the Irish, to the rising sun motif, representing breakfast time in pan-Asia.
- The theme song, previously a light instrumental “Irish” tune, will be replaced by the Oriental riff followed by a gong.
- “Lucky the Leprechaun” will be renamed “Lucky-san”.
- Lucky-san will remain Irish in appearance, but he’ll swap out his Leprechaun top hat, suit, and buckled shoes for a paddy hat, mens’ kimono, and …some pointy-toed sandals from …fuck knows where they came up with that.
When asked whether the company has concerns over media fallout similar to what others have faced regarding cultural appropriation, McBlandface responded, “well, it seems like we can just make a ‘sorry you were offended’ non-apology, parrot some platitudes about ‘inclusivity’, and not change a goddamn thing. If individual entrepreneurs have no qualms about ethicsless profiteering at the expense of entire global communities, why should corporations? I mean, we’re supposed to be the evil ones, right?”