Lucky Charms Rebrands As “Authentic Asian Cereal”

General Mills, Inc. announces its entry into the multi-billion dollar “clean, authentic” Asian-food-made-by-white-people industry.

2 years ago

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GOLDEN VALLEY, MN — Hours after celebrity chef and TV asshole Gordon Ramsey lashed out against critique of his new “authentic Asian” restaurant, Lucky Cat, spokespersons for General Mills, Inc. announced the complete “Asian” overhaul of its cereal brand, Lucky Charms.

Previously an Irish-themed cereal touted by green-clad mascot, Lucky the Leprechaun, Lucky Charms will rebrand as an “authentic Asian cereal.” The consumer foods conglomerate was inspired by the recent spate of “Lucky”-named Asian restaurants opened by chefs who are not Asian, such as Andrew Zimmern (Lucky Cricket), Ramsey (Lucky Cat), and Arielle Haspel (Lucky Lee’s), the last of whom is also not a chef.

Similar to Ramsey’s £3.8 million losses in his previous restaurant, Maze, Lucky Charms has suffered recent revenue decline, which it hopes to recoup with this trendy marketing strategy. “It makes absolute sense. It’s already in our name,” said PR representative Susan McBlandface.

To convey a truly authentic Asian experience with the boxed cereal, designers spent upward of six hours in Google Image searches and interviews of white men whose wives are Asian to become China, Japan, and Those-Other-Asian-Countries experts. Based on their extensive research, the new and improved Lucky Charms will have the following changes:

When asked whether the company has concerns over media fallout similar to what others have faced regarding cultural appropriation, McBlandface responded, “well, it seems like we can just make a ‘sorry you were offended’ non-apology, parrot some platitudes about ‘inclusivity’, and not change a goddamn thing. If individual entrepreneurs have no qualms about ethicsless profiteering at the expense of entire global communities, why should corporations? I mean, we’re supposed to be the evil ones, right?”

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Diana Lu

Published 2 years ago

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