Yet another provocative exposé of my oppression. I am so brave.
Lobsters make me sick! I see their beady devil-eyes and slimy claws everywhere. It’s like I can’t get away from them. I’ve written extensively about the negative impact of lobsters on me in,
· Lobster Toxicity and How It Hurts Me Because I Keep Eating Them
· Five “Types” of Lobsters that Kill, which I Eat Anyway and
· Lobster Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Anaphylaxis and Love the Claw
I am disappointed to say that these tortured thinkpieces have done nothing to alleviate my pain. I’ve tried everything in my power to create the change I want to see in the world, but lobsters continue to poison me when I eat them.
I’ve even lost close friends because of lobsters. Just when I think I can really trust someone, they come at me with the same tired questions, like “why are you doing this to yourself?” Or “what is wrong with you?” Or “your kidneys are shutting down, for the love of God, will you please stop eating lobster?!” These responses are so unfair. It’s clearly the lobsters that are hurting me.
It’s hard to say why I only want to eat lobster. Food desire is complex and influenced by many factors, including biology, culture, early life exposure, and the media. Also, everything is hard for me to say because my tongue is swollen to the size of a papaya. Besides, food is food and I don’t have to justify my dietary choices to you, my therapists, or anyone in the judgy judgy emergency medical team at Methven Hospital.
The point is, I can’t change the fact that I exclusively eat lobster, nor should I have to. Especially since there exists even a slight possibility of finding that one unicorn lobster that’s hypoallergenic to me. I know he’s out there somewhere, and I’m going to find him and FUCKING INHALE HIS SUCCULENT, SNOW-WHITE FLESH! Besides, if I didn’t eat lobster, what else could I possibly eat? Pork? Ew! Pork reminds me of my cousin. (My cousin’s favorite movie is Babe: Pig in the City)
Look, I know it’s hard to understand if you aren’t deathly allergic to lobsters and also eat lobsters exclusively, but lobsters are causing me immeasurable pain, every single day, through no fault of my own. Something must change! I don’t know what the solution will be. All I know is, it doesn’t involve me not eating lobster. That would be unfair to those despicable lobsters, and I have to be fair to all the foods I can potentially eat or drink. Oh, that reminds me: as of this year, I no longer drink water, only lobster broth.