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Next 9 Financial Tips for Broke Hedge Fund Managers

Do you run a hedge fund that just lost billions to Redditors named "spicyn00dz," "tongue_in_ass," and "ThiccBeaver"? Try these helpful tips to get yourself out of bankruptcy, or at least acclimate you to dropping into the next 9%!

6 months ago

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Do you run a hedge fund that just lost billions to Redditors named "spicyn00dz," "tongue_in_ass," and "ThiccBeaver"?

Don't worry, we've got you covered. Struggling gig economy workers have gotten earfuls about how to deal from rich fucks like you for decades, so let us return the favor.

Try these helpful tips to get yourself out of bankruptcy, or at least acclimate you to dropping into the next 9%!

Learn to code

As Mark Zuckerberg said when coal miners were getting laid off,

“teach them to code and everything will be great!”

Can you teach a hedge fund manager to code? A lot of billionaires who didn’t lose all their money this week don’t think so. Show those naysayers they’re wrong!

Besides, it’s not rocket science. You’re just developing the software that launches and navigates rockets.

Get a second job

Be a Postmates courier! Drive Lyft! Embrace the gig economy. As we all know, the stock market is simply astrology for rich people anyway.

So get a real job and actually benefit society for a change!

Spend less money

Fellow rich asshole Tim Gurner says you should cut wasteful spending.

So lay off the avocado toast. Have your butler make espresso at home instead of helicoptering in dark roast from Venezia every morning.

Both your mansions don’t need new champagne fountains this year, do they?

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!

Just work harder. You are not a victim.

Maybe your demographic is stereotyped as lazy, incompetent ne’er-do-wells, but if you just put your mind to it, you can prove to the .01% that you people, too, can make it in this world.

Have a garage sale

Sell your luxury car collection.

We know it's hard to say goodbye, but you've got 20 of these and they're all silver.

Ask your family for help

In these hard times, you have to lean on loved ones for support. Have your rich parents bail you out.

Let’s be real, you’ve never thought twice about doing this before and it's not like this is the first time they've cut you a check.

Crowdsource funding

We don’t mean GoFundMes like those poors and their medical bills. Financiers like you have whole ass governments funneling money into your offshore bank accounts.

So just wait for the inevitable government bailout. Just because it's meant "for small businesses only" doesn’t mean you can’t take the money anyway!

Move to a "shithole" country

They’re not actually shitholes any more than you or the US is, but you likely contributed to destabilizing these countries’ economies, causing the poverty that you now shit on.

Time to sleep in the bed you’ve made! You'll feel richer in comparison!

Remember that money doesn't buy happiness

Studies show that above about $90K, money no longer correlates with happiness, like at all. That means even if you only have ONE billion dollars, you could lose $999,910,000 of that sad plebe billion and feel exactly the same.

So buck up and deal, loser. “Ch33z3blow_Banjo” stole your game and you ain’t ever getting it back!


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Kim Dela Cruz

Published 6 months ago

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